On T.V and finding a husband!

Watching television depresses me. The TV and everything on it is designed to make you feel really bad about yourself, one way or the other.

Like the ads that show women with lustrous, beautiful hair that bounce more than their boobs do when they walk or run. (Majority hair ads have women playing, jumping, running, why?) Or ads where men are ALWAYS gifting expensive jewellery to their girls and looking happy about it, ads where Papas have loads of time to sit and chill with the family or ads that show how women with pimples/acne don’t get boyfriends. Or stupider TV shows…

I just got up after watching this series on Discovery Travel & Living called, How To Find A Husband.It’s a pre-recorded show about Sally Gray (reporter and TV presenter for last 15 years) who dates 50 men in 10 weeks to find herself a husband. The promo for the show goes, “I am 37 and still single. There is nothing wrong with being single…but now I want a husband…blah…and I don’t want to be stuck wearing this frickin SINGLE ring for the rest of my life.” She wears a silver ring with SINGLE engraved on it. Nice start to finding The One.

I was watching the original 1978 Don when a young Amitabh Bachchan’s collagen injected lips and Zeenat Aman’s pointy bras (why did women in the 70s think that boobs were supposed to be conical?) got to me and I switched channels to end up on Sally’s show where the first thing I heard was, “If you want a husband, don’t sleep with a man on the first date, or the second or the third.” (How about fixing the hymen instead so that each prospective husband-material thinks you’re a virgin, eh?)

Then the various date gurus go on to tell Sally that she should be “demure” with her dates and not be hyperactive. Then she was advised to keep the first date a coffee-date and not a drinking one and if at all there was to be drinking to keep it to two glasses of champagne. “Remember, less is more” advised the guru. Funnily enough the same dating guru who had so far advocated ‘demure’ advised Sally to be sassy and bold with her online profile, even if it meant fabricating stuff.

As an example the dating guru said how her profile said she liked wearing men’s shirts (how chweet no?) and at the same time was open for a threesome. Sally’s response was a shocked, “But that’s not true…” The dating guru responded with a quick, “How do you know?” Basically Sally is an honest person while the dating guru is a fraud. And that’s what finding a husband is all about isn’t it? Making the guy believe he is getting himself a wife while you hide your true self – could be hideous, hyperactive, bold, fun-loving, smart, witty, whatever – behind this mask of what is supposed to be Acceptable Behaviour for Marriageable Girls.

Of course that rule applies to women like Sally – and an increasing number of you girls out there – who are smart, sassy, independent, usually smarter than the dumb jocks around and DON’T want to settle for just anyone with . Strangely there is no Acceptable Behaviour list for what makes a man ‘marriageable’. All it takes for a guy – even if he’s passably ‘good’ – to classify as marriage material is “He should want to marry”.

A guy can drink on the first date because testosterone and caffeine don’t go together, do they? A guy doesn’t have to be ‘demure’ and can laugh loudly and crack the funnies because if a woman does that, frankly the man will be threatened by her wit. A guy can spill his drink, burp, fart and be a clumsy clod and everything is acceptable because of course his mommy cleaned up after him. But a woman doing any of that is not-marriage-material because honey, you are showing that you will not be the Perfect Wife. Because only women want marriage, right? Urghh!

PS: IF there are men out there who don’t believe in a woman following a list of Acceptable Behaviour, don’t frickin fight with me and write in saying I am man-bashing; write in to show you DO exist!

You complete me

"You Complete Me"
And she has never heard
Such a tale as this!
It is either a bald-faced lie,
or a sad truth

A person needs no other person
To make a complete person

Scientifically,
We have our forty-six
Chromosomes on our own,
Thankyouverymuch

Realistically,
A person should be complete on their own
They should know their worth on their own
They should need no one else
To feel their own worth

Don't misunderstand
Love is a lovely thing to feel
And it's out there, and it's real

But no one person
Should need another person
To make a complete person

(Forty-six chromosomes
And self-assured to boot)


note: don't even know what movie it is, but some asshole says "you complete me", and it's always, always, always bothered me

Trendy

Being original is impossible when everything's already been done.
Pointing it out way more than necessary to someone who's completely fucking numb.
They're deaf to your words and blind to the world, but aren't we all.
Stop for a second and look at your own flaws,
like one who mocks trends but follows them like their own personal god.

Talking of how you care as you're forcing the overdose,
like a child who's ripping the head off of its doll
and later cries for something so broken.

I'll need more than superglue here though
Oops, here's another cliche and now it's gone
because I sniffed it all.

I'm shooting up these drugs with one hand
and slitting my wrists with the other one
wondering which will kill me first and how I can tell.
Will anyone even notice when I'm gone? You know I'm just so invisible.
The whole time I'm laughing my ass off,
maybe it was from that bottle of cough medicine I stole earlier. I guess it hasn't worn off.

Everyone's fucking like rockstars, no porn stars
while the girls in stilettos keep running to the bathroom stalls to
throw up their glittering lunch from yesterday and to shoot glittering morphine into their glittering veins. Maybe it's just glittering cocaine.

I think I've covered it all.
Is there anything else that you think is too overdone?

here
glitter, morphine, stars, sun, 11:11, Alice, cocaine, syringes, lines, razorblades, veins, crimson blood, kiss me, fuck me, throw up, fuck up, lol, skinny models, dolls, hell, love, hate, pain, suicide, death, murder, emo, stilettos,

oh and me as well
with my thoughts coming off an assembly line


Fuck it,
let's throw the whole dictionary in there
and set it on fire
like a glittering funeral pyre

Jodha Akbar-A Review

Cutting a long story short, I found Ashutosh Gowariker’s interpretation of a historical love story, Jodhaa Akbar, to be just an average Joe’s flick. Attention worthy only in certain bits and pieces, otherwise a tad too boring and bloody hell too long.

On the positive side; the leading pair has given a decent performance and needless to say, Hrithik Roshan (despite the flaring nostrils) & Aishwarya Rai Bachchan both look nothing less than a priceless work of art.

Now moving on the lighter side; here are some (bizarre but related) thoughts which in many ways helped me stay glued to the cinema seat in the otherwise tiresome film.

*Warning – Spoilers ahead, so stop here if you ain’t the spoiler reading kind.


1. If you have grown up reading Tinkle Comics, then you are bound to relate to many characters in the film – be it name wise (example, Todar Mal & Mullah Do Pyaaza) or look wise (example, a perfectly round bellied dukandar with the trademark miser tattooed on his forehead).

2. For some reason, I kept thinking“Where’s Birbal re?” practically the entire film.

3. Bad Foreplay – the picturization of “In Lamhon Ke Daaman Mein” song. No offence, agreed it was aesthetically beautiful but definitely not practically viable. For example,

- Lover boy standing behind Lover girl, both with their eyes closed and ridiculously horny expressions on their faces for almost 120 seconds.

- Lover boy smelling Lover girl’s skull hair and Lover girl sniffing Lover boy’s chest hair (Now I really don’t understand the pleasure in doing this).

- The done-to-death, “You can fly” Titanic scene – Lover Boy (again) standing behind Love Girl, both with their hands stretched out. I mean seriously, this is just so passé.

(In case you are wondering, yes I too am a romantic at heart but I also believe in action.)

3. To Make A Failing Marriage Work – Couples should devote at least an hour a week on sword-fight sessions.
- Quality time spent together.

- And in case, it’s seriously not working you have a perfect alibi for murder.

4. Ekta Kapoor would be so proud of Maham Anga (evil mother-in-law) and equally disappointed in Mallika Hamida Banu (devi saman mother-in-law).

5. Sajan beemar aur Sajni bhage prabhu ke dwar. Phir ek raat ki baat aur Sajan back in full avatar – So darn typical of Bollywood films, I tell ya.

6. There were moments where I felt the leading pair were about to get jiggy on "Dhoom machale dhoom".

And last but certainly not the least (I am suppose to be working yaar)…..

7. War soldiers – No exaggeration here but seriously, an 11 year old will play Dandiya Raas more rigorously than Mr. Gowariker’s army dudes.

For the peace of my mind!

The only intent of writing this piece is to distract myself from a certain war that is raging within.It is ironic how one keeps feeding on the very things that are leading to a miserable state of mind.A certain level of masochism always prevails,leading to sympathy for self,followed by tears,that in turn followed by self counseling which in the end leads to the psychobabble that i am writing about.

In the past i have obseved that in relation to the self,the things that affect it the most are the ones that are paid attention to.What is most interesting about this is that whether the relation is a positive or a negative one is immaterial.So one might be humiliated to the extreme by a cause and yet devote all the time and mindspace just to that.This in itself is a viscious circle,the output always being loss of self esteem.

Now one might wonder why on earth am i going on and on about this dreary subject.Well,the answer is simple my friend.Analysing a trouble to its shreds might not ward it away,but it definitely makes it look less troublesome!So Socrates and Plato had the most troubled lives,but poor creatures never realised it because they never saw the trouble as a whole.It was always such a microscopic view of the problem that it led to its percieved oversimplification.

Let us take an example:You are pissed about the fact that your relationship/s suck/s.Now if you were to look at this as a whole,it might mean the end of the world or atleast the current peace of mind and the most disastrous thing-self blame.But lets analyse the problem.Relationships are what?The way two people relate to each other.Which in essance means the way one person relates to the other person's likes,dislikes,habits,past,present and more.Which means,it takes two people to relate to each others' very complex set of affairs.This in turn means that even if one person fails to relate to even one very important aspect of another's being,it will lead to issues.Since the probability of this happening is so high,blaming the self or the other is of no consequence since relationships in themselves are a very tricky affair to handle.

There you see,in those few lines,i have absolved the person who screwed up with your happiness(so you might be at peace since as i said before the dedication to a cause leads to more troubles than the cause itself ).I have also absolved you of any guilt that you might feel for the disastrous relationship because in the end it takes two people to make a relationship work(am sure that statement must have been pronounced a million times and so must be true).

Ok.The objective of this disaster has been satisfied..am feeling better.

Clueless...

Seething with insanity,
Unseeing,filled with repulsion.
Lost,groping within.
Dead,in the effort to not feel.

Not that i deserve this
Not that i called for it
Except that the "it"is what i want the most
The "it" is what i fear the most.

The "it" is what i lose my sleep over
The "it" is what i am clueless about!
Clueless!
Pathetically Clueless!!

This and that

Its not often that i am clueless.And happy.
Its not often that i drift at whim.Here and There.
Its not often that i amuse myself with random things.This and that.

Its not often that i goof up.And not embarassed
Its not often that i sleepwalk through the day.And not unaware.
Its not often that i begin to write without a muse.And not unenthused.

Its not often that i am happy without specifics.
Its not often that i am myself without the props.
Its not often that i feel alive even with this and that